Prayer for a Better Me Day 1: Prayer to be a Better Son

Heavenly Father, 27 years ago, you gave me to papa and mama as your answer to their desire to have a son. I humbly ask You, Almighty King, that I may be the son they deserve and that I may live truly as Your gift to them. I ask this through Jesus Christ, The Lord, The Perfect Model of a Son, Amen.

Eulogy

Last night in the news, the father of the young actor who died in a car crash told how his son was - a loving, good son.

Now I wonder, when it would be my time to pass, what will people say about me. Will my family say "He's a good boy. He's loving. He's nice."? Will my friend consider me their best friend? I just wonder what I was to them.

I wonder how I had lived my life in the sight of everyone. How was I as a brother, or as a son, or as a friend? I wonder, what will the people hear on my eulogy. Moreover, will there be people attending it?

I don't know. What I do know is that I lived, am living and will live my life the way I know I should be.

PS: I am not wishing for my death soon. I don't want to die yet. Just the thought of it freaks me out. This was just a sudden thought in my mind.

The Day is Coming

This is my prayer for tonight: That the day will come when I finally meet a partner that will love me back. The day when I will no longer settle for just what was left, rather for what I am worth. The day when I will no longer be sleeping with a heavy heart but with but a smile in my face and a spirit full of hope and of joy.

I pray for a partner that will understand me, that will lift me up, that will cheer me up. A partner that will make me feel good about myself. Of whom is seeing the good in me rather the flaws I have. A partner that I love and loves me back.

I am deleting all the past hurts. I am deleting everything that will remind me of how I was unlovable. I am deleting everything that reminds me how crazy I had been.

From now on, I will be living my life in joy, in hope, in anticipation of the love that is to come - my future wife.

The day is coming. It will.
I hope. I believe. I pray.

I can't fight this feeling anymore

It must be in the weather today that I am feeling lonely. The gloom of this cloudy autumn afternoon makes me feel like going home early.

I woke up late, have not eaten breakfast, forgot to bring an umbrella so went back home that cause me 5 seconds late to catch the 8:38 train.

Reasons not to feel good today just keep on piling up.

I just so hate this feeling.

Yesterday, I saw something in the church that reminds me of God's assurance of a better future. I didn't asked for a sign, but the first thing that crossed my mind upon seeing those is God assuring me of a wonderful future.

But why is this assurance being overcome by the emptiness I am feeling now. I just don't know.

I hope these feeling of loneliness, emptiness and fright be gone soon.

Lord, turn this sorrow into joy.

PS: I wrote this post at the office while taking my call of nature. I just can't fight this feeling I need to write it away at this very moment.

1.3 Score

Three days to go and I will be leaving my silver year. I'll be turning 26 on Thursday.

26 years had been, but if you'd be looking back, not a major climax was reached. Simply, a score and 6 years of living on the safer side of life - no thrills, no adventures, no nothing, just plain stupidity. Mr. nice guy who doesn't even know how the world looks like.

I still feel the emptiness inside me.
Alone, lonely, tired.

All these years, I'm busy loving something else, I don't complain. But I forgot someone important to love - myself.

I remember I even hated myself for choosing to be the "unpopular" in school. Bullied, because many think I am nerd or worst gay, and never fight back. Never had a single "night out" with friends in college. Never courted a girl and therefore never got into a romantic relationship.

I was busy studying hard, because I am pressured with the responsibility my family is pressing on me. I was busy impressing my friends. I was busy earning money. I was busy hoping my one true love to come my way. I was busy dreaming my dreams.

I was busy loving something else I forgot to love myself back.

I am tired of loving and not receiving a counter love. Call it selfishness, but I think that is what I need most.

PS: It doesn't mean I will not continue loving those things I loved. I would still want to be Mr. Nice Guy. My point here is that I want to feel loved. They can't give that to me, I will give it to myself.

PS2: Above being in love with myself, I want to fall in love more deeply to my Father-King.