I can't fight this feeling anymore

It must be in the weather today that I am feeling lonely. The gloom of this cloudy autumn afternoon makes me feel like going home early.

I woke up late, have not eaten breakfast, forgot to bring an umbrella so went back home that cause me 5 seconds late to catch the 8:38 train.

Reasons not to feel good today just keep on piling up.

I just so hate this feeling.

Yesterday, I saw something in the church that reminds me of God's assurance of a better future. I didn't asked for a sign, but the first thing that crossed my mind upon seeing those is God assuring me of a wonderful future.

But why is this assurance being overcome by the emptiness I am feeling now. I just don't know.

I hope these feeling of loneliness, emptiness and fright be gone soon.

Lord, turn this sorrow into joy.

PS: I wrote this post at the office while taking my call of nature. I just can't fight this feeling I need to write it away at this very moment.

1.3 Score

Three days to go and I will be leaving my silver year. I'll be turning 26 on Thursday.

26 years had been, but if you'd be looking back, not a major climax was reached. Simply, a score and 6 years of living on the safer side of life - no thrills, no adventures, no nothing, just plain stupidity. Mr. nice guy who doesn't even know how the world looks like.

I still feel the emptiness inside me.
Alone, lonely, tired.

All these years, I'm busy loving something else, I don't complain. But I forgot someone important to love - myself.

I remember I even hated myself for choosing to be the "unpopular" in school. Bullied, because many think I am nerd or worst gay, and never fight back. Never had a single "night out" with friends in college. Never courted a girl and therefore never got into a romantic relationship.

I was busy studying hard, because I am pressured with the responsibility my family is pressing on me. I was busy impressing my friends. I was busy earning money. I was busy hoping my one true love to come my way. I was busy dreaming my dreams.

I was busy loving something else I forgot to love myself back.

I am tired of loving and not receiving a counter love. Call it selfishness, but I think that is what I need most.

PS: It doesn't mean I will not continue loving those things I loved. I would still want to be Mr. Nice Guy. My point here is that I want to feel loved. They can't give that to me, I will give it to myself.

PS2: Above being in love with myself, I want to fall in love more deeply to my Father-King.

Fast Forward

Mag-aalas dose na ng gabi, pero di ako dalawin ng antok. Sa totoo, kanina e inaantok na ako, kaya lang ng matapos ko ang lahat ng ritwal ko bago matulog, nawalang bigla ang antok ko, di ko alam kung bakit.

Biglang pumasok sa aking isipan ang hinaharap. Ang hinaharap na walang kasiguraduhan.

Natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakikipag-bargain sa Panginoon. Please Lord, bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataong maexperience ang magkaroon ng sariling pamilya. Pero parang pelikulang ibinabalik saking isipan ang mga kaganapan ng nakaraan. Kailangan ka ng pamilya mo, ika Nya.

Para bagang hinihiling nyang pagsilbihan ko ng buong buhay ko ang aking pamilya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang plano Mo sa aking hinaharap, sabi ko nga sa Iyo, tanggap ko na kung sakaling gayun ang plano Mo pero sana po, kung pwede ko namang pang ihabol, please po....

Looking Forward for a Brighter Philippines

Nakakatuwa ang mga kaganapan ngayon sa Pilipinas. Nakakatuwang matagumpay na nairaos ang halalan. Nakakatuwang mabilis na lumalabas ang resulta, at kahit medyo may aberya sa ibang lugar, pangkalahatan e naging matiwasay ang halalan.

Nakakatuwang isipin na madaling natanggap ng mga kandidatong natalo ang kanilang pagkatalo sa halalan. Sabi nga kanina sa news, dahil sa Automated Elections, mukhang natutunan din ng mga Pilipino ang salitang "concede".

Sana ay tuloy tuloy na ang pagbabago. Sana nga ito na ang panahong matagal na hinintay ng mga Pilipino. Sana nga ito na ang panahong hindi na mangangamba ang mga Pilipino sa kaguluhan, sa karahasan at sa kahirapan. Sana ito na ang simula ng magandang bukas. Sana.

Money Talk

To tell you frankly, I was deeply offended when I heard the news.

My mama told me awhile ago during a video call that the cousins of my father are asking my youngest sister where did we get the money for the hospitalization, wake and burial of my maternal grandmother.

Opo, di na kami mayaman, pero ano ngayon? Kaya nga ako nagtatrabaho diba? Pati ang mama at mga kapatid ko?

Di ko kailangang mangutang sa inyo. Meron akong pera.

At opo, maraming nagmamahal sa lola ko. Sa dami ng mga kamag-anak na tinulungan ng pamilya ko, sa poder ng mama, lalong higit sa poder ng papa, di katataka na marami ang tumulong.

Noong panahong maunlad ang kabuhayan naming pamilya, di naman kami nagdamot diba? At alam kong isa kayo sa mga nakinabang sa amin. Di po ako nanunumbat, nagsasabi lang ako ng nararamdaman ko. Nakaka-offend po kasi. Maari din namang hindi ganun ang intensyon nyo, sana lang e di nyo na lang tinanong.

Technology Binds Us Together

The recent passing away of my maternal grandmother proved me that no matter the distance maybe, the heart of of a family never fails to seek ways.

It was a long weekend here in Japan. I cancelled all my schedule (saturday: premium philippine fiesta, sunday: SFC teaching and Curry Rice Patrol, Monday: Prases ASS (as in Prases Adventure Sa Sea) coined by kuya Marius) to always be here at home, online so that my family can call me anytime.

Online Burol. That is where I am right now. My family didn't want me to go home for lola's wake so the next best thing that I can do is to be there virtually. Thanks to Skype.

Somehow, I manage to be updated on what is happening back home. Somehow, I am present at this latest family reunion. Reunions that only happen when someone passes away.

I had my farewell to lola using Skype when she was already battling death at the hospital. And now I am bidding her goodbye, while her physical remains lie a time zone away, using this virtual bridge.

Thank God for the technology. Thank God for the Engineers and Technologists who invented these. Thank God I never missed Lola's wake. But surely, I will miss my Lola Luring.

Lola is gone

Lola is gone.

Around 2 pm today, her burdens finally left her. She went home to her true home - The paradise of everlasting joy.

The saddest part is, I am here far away. Paano ako uuwi? makakauwi pa ba ako?

Wednesday when my sisters and mama told me that lola is dying. Itinago nila sa akin, isang linggo na pala syang nasa ospital. Hinahanap daw ako. Tinatawag nyang Amboy yung isang nurse na nag-aalaga sa kanya sa ospital. Kaya naman napagpasyahan na din nila na ipakita sya sa akin. Buti na lang ang teknolohiya ngayon, salamat skype.

Maraming memories ang naiwan ng lola sa amin. Sya ang nag-alaga sa aming lahat anim na magkakapatid.

Nagtrabaho sya ng maaga, huminto sa pag-aaral para makatulong sa mga kapatid nya. Grade 2 lang ang natapos nya kaya naman di sya marunong magsulat at magbasa, Pangalan lang nya at mga numbers ang kaya nyang isulat.

Palagi nyang ipinagmamalaki ang "peace time". Palagi nyang ipinagmamayabang na sya ay pamangkin ni Luis Taruc. At kung paano sila nabuhay sa nilagang kamote nuong panahon ng gyera.

Sa tuwing aalis kami, di pwedeng wala syang baong basang tuwalya. para nga naman kapag naglagkit kami sa mga kinakain namin e madali nyang mahihilamusan ang mga bibig at kamay namin. At sa tuwing makakabenta sya ng mga paninda nya, mag-uuwi sya samin ng super mario brothers na chichirya o kaya ng tacitos.

Tuwing byernes, dinadala nya kami sa Quiapo habang nakabihis ng pulang damit at taling dilaw sa bewang.

Di ko makakalimutan na kahit gaano ako katakot sa lindol o sa paputok sa labas, mahimbing akong nakakatulog basta yakap nya ako. At sa tuwing may sakit ako, sumisiksik ako sa kama nya para dun matulog.

Wala na akong sasabihan sa tuwing tatanungin ako kung sino ako ng "Ang pinaka-gwapo mong apo!".

Wala na ang lola.

Lego: The Ultimate Toy of a Nerdie Geekie Introvert

I just got my very first lego after so many years (I own one when I was 7, and that's it). Nagi-guilty pa rin ako at napabili ako nito, pero sana e sulit naman at di agad mapagsawaan. I'll try to build the first truck later.

Quick Notes

Matagal-tagal na din pala akong hindi nakakapagpost dito. Di na kasi ako makakacompose ng mahaba-habang post, ehehe. kaya eto na lang muna. Quick words for a quick post:

• I am worried about my maternal grandmother's health. Balita ko sa mga kapatid ko, di na sya nakain ng maayos. hinahanap na din daw ako, di sya siguro makapaniwala na sa computer lang nila ako nakikita. Wala syang known illness. Siguro katandaan na lang talaga ito. Magna-90 na sya sa May. Please help me in praying for her health.
• Nababahala din ako sa sitwasyon ng Pinas ngayon. Parang walang matinong kumakandidato. Minsan naisip ko, may patutunguhan pa ba tayo, o kailangan na din talaga nating maghanap ng ibang bansang malilipatan.
• Speaking of Pinas, nakakatakot din ang banta ng El Nino dyan. Kung dito sa Japan e nag-uuulan, dyan naman pala ay unti-unti na nauubos ang tubig, sana naman di sya lumala.
• Bumibigat na ang aking timbang, ang latest kong timbang (nung wednesday) 53 kilos, kumpara sa dating 47 kilos. Opo, kulang pa rin iyan, pero at least improving.
• Balemtayms na pala bukas, Kung Hei Fat Choi din. Double celebration, e ano naman ngayon? ehehe....
• Minsan naatanong ko sa sarili ko, kasalanan ko ba na naging masipag ang mga ninuno at magulang ko at hindi ko naranasang magswimming sa ilog ng basura at magpasko sa kalsada? At lahat ba ng hindi galing sa hirap e hindi kaisa ng mahihirap?

letter for the princess

To my dear princess,

Now I made up my mind, I will not let this story to be another failed attempt of a "happily ever after".
And distance will not be hindering me.

No "goodbye" for us, only "until we meet again".
Have a safe trip back home and I will be looking forward to see you again soon.

Yes, you are a princess, and this is our fairytale....

wishing to be your prince,
Romeo

PS: This is the very first time na naging maharot ako because of drunkenness, ehehe. At malamang, sa lunes, laman na naman tayo ng mga umpukan sa opisina (dito sa Japan pati na rin sa Pilipinas). Kung ano man yung mga kaganapan na biglaang nangyari sa party na iyon, alam ko ang ginagawa ko, and I mean every actions I made, yun nga lang mabilis kong napapapayag ang sarili kong gawin iyon, siguro nga dahil na din sa alcohol sa katawan.

PS2: Di ko nagawa yung unang plano ko na puntahan ka sa bahay mo ng alas kwatro para personal na magpaalam sayo. Pero mas natuwa ako sa kinalabasan ng mga events nitong nakalipas na ilang oras.

sa wakas ay nasabi ko na din ang nais kong sabihin.
lumuwag na ang pakiramdam.....

Baliw

nababaliw na ata ako.....

DUWAG!

I am such a coward!

I have all the chance to tell her. But words just can't come out from my mouth.

I am coward, I know.

And now I think she gets it. Hopefully, she is not mad at me.

Paano na kaya bukas?

Wag naman sana.... wag naman.

:(

A Week is Still Enough Time

I made up my mind.

I will tell you now the truth.

On when and how, I don't know. But I want you to know this soon. Before anyone else do.

I am crazy. I know I am. Don't know when or how this started. I was reluctant. But the thought of you keeps coming back. I think I am falling for you.....

 Syet, ang hirap!

To My Princess

Still in confusion whether to pursue you or not. You'll be leaving me in a week's time, but still I haven't had fixed the plans.

You'll be going back to the real world, where the illusion of cloud nine is not existing. You'll be returning to your own self. While I stay here dreaming, thinking whether this feeling is true or just a mere make believe.

So I guess it's just goodbye for us now. No, not goodbye. I don't want to.
If only I could hold you tight. If only I could keep you. If only.....

If only I could tell you these.

Again, another failed attempt of a happy ending.....

Another love story unhappened....